Thank goodness I decided to do it! I’ve spent the past week running all over the place to see as many friends and family members as I could before leaving. And, while that time was great, I didn’t get much of a chance to process what I’m about to do and what I’m leaving behind.

This morning in particular helped to right me in that regard. I got up early and went to the men’s early morning prayer group at Mendham Hills Community Church (my home church). There I had the opportunity to be prayed for by my oldest best friend, Dan. Even better was the chance that we had to grab coffee and chat a bit after prayer group. Dan asked me some good questions that I really needed to answer. For example, what is it I’m most afraid of going forward to Colorado; what is the biggest sacrifice I’m making by going; what will be the biggest challenge for me; and what is it I’m most looking forward to? Having to think about those questions so I could answer them was a huge help for me in processing all this.

I’m very glad that I took this extra day. In addition to being able to do some processing, I was also able to simply take my time packing up and getting ready. Now I hope that I can leave Jersey feeling ready, feeling confident, and going in God’s will.

I now finally am able to make public something that has been at the heart of my thoughts for quite some time now. Many of you know this story already or portions of it. Some of you have been a significant part of it; for that I’m deeply grateful.

I now want to share with everyone I know what’s been going on in my life for the past six months, and that which, in fact, has roots dating back several years:

The first important connection that holds import for this story came in my second year of high school when my church, Mendham Hills Chapel (now Mendham Hills Community Church) hired a new youth pastor, a man (only 23 at the time) named Tim Meier. I could share many stories about Tim, but suffice it to say Tim and his wife Rachel have been close friends and mentors ever since.

The year after I completed high school, Tim and Rachel would leave Mendham, following God’s call on their lives to minister to the people of France.

A second important connection was made within that same period of time when, in 2005, I had the privilege of travelling on a mission trip to Taipei, Taiwan with 13 others from my church youth group. That trip was significant in many ways for me, but the one that’s important to this story comes in the form of a man named Matt Peace. Matt is the Director of the Short-Term Missions Office of the Christian and Missionary Alliance (the CMA is an evangelical church denomination and the denomination of the church I grew up in). Matt worked with our group closely to make the Taiwan trip happen, and he even spent several days with us while we were there. I got to know Matt some that week, and we have remained in contact in the years since.

My connection to Matt was further strengthened several years later when my sister, Rebecca, got a job working for him.

A third important connection came in college when I got involved in a young-adult ministry at Princeton Alliance Church. That ministry was headed up, at the time, by a guy named Kyle Whitlow, who I got to know a little bit during my time in college. Kyle would also take up the call of God in his life by moving, with his wife Michele, to Colorado Springs to work with non-other than Matt Peace.

The trips to Taiwan (I say “trips” because I went back for a month the following summer) as well as many other experiences in my life have led me often to consider life in full-time ministry, as a pastor, missionary or perhaps something else. With that consideration in mind, I emailed Matt around the time I was finishing up college (in 2009). My purpose was simple: I wanted to let Matt know that I was interested in somehow working with him again. I didn’t have a clear picture of what that meant, maybe another short-term trip to Taiwan or another country or maybe even something more significant.

In June of this year, I received a phone call from Matt and Kyle. They told me that, in response to my own expressed desire of being involved in ministry, they had a significant opportunity they wanted to offer me. The exact words escape me, but it was something to the effect of “We’ve been thinking and praying about you, and we’ve come up with a plan for the next five years of your life, and so we wanted to run it by you.”

I remember feeling the excitement build in my chest as they went on to describe the opportunity. First, I would spend a year with them in Colorado, working (basically as an intern) in a local church and in the Envision office. Envision is the new name of the short-term missions office. This time would be an opportunity for them to get to know and invest in me as well as a chance for me to network with some important people in the national office of the CMA, to spend significant time seeking out God’s call on my life, and to stand on my own two feet in ministry.

The next step after Colorado would be an even bigger one. The tentative plan would be for me to continue to serve as an Envision staff member, but in Paris, France, where, it just so happens, Tim and Rachel Meier live. Paris is being developed as a sort of international hub for the Envision program. During my time in Colorado, I would specifically seek God’s will as it relates to me and France, to see if indeed that is where He’s calling me, while remaining open to the possibility that He’s calling me to something or somewhere else. Paris would be a commitment of at least two years, with the possibility of it becoming even longer-term.

Matt and Kyle were incredibly gracious in making this offer and allowing me some months to think and pray about it. I spent a lot of the last six months praying about it, talking with friends and family about it, as well as reigning questions and hypothetical scenarios (in an effort to be thorough) on the heads of Matt and Kyle.

In short, after all that, I’ve resolved to go for it. In September, I called up Kyle to let him and Matt know that I was coming. My departure date is now set for the end of this coming January.

I won’t say this has been an easy decision. I’m certainly leaving a lot behind here in New Jersey. I am incredibly grateful to my friends and family who have spent many hours talking with and encouraging me. I know I couldn’t do this without your support. I’m also going to be trusting God a lot on this one. My position in Colorado will not be a paid one (though I will have a free place to live), so God’s provision, through a job or otherwise, will be a necessity. For France, if that is indeed where God leads me, I will need to raise my own support.

Please pray for me in those areas if you feel so called as to pray for me.

I’m incredibly excited about this opportunity. I’m excited to see what God has in store. It’s already been amazing to see all of the connections that were built over the years that are making this possible. God is truly a master storyteller.

I’m also grateful for the technology we have available today. For one, it makes leaving slightly easier, knowing that I’ll be able to keep in contact, even face-to-face, with my friends and family. I’m also thrilled about the ability it gives me to share this experience with all of you.

Solus Christus (through Christ alone)

-Sean

I feel like I rate way too many books with four stars, but the reality is that I did quite enjoy this book. It’s obviously not literary brilliance, but it was a good story, a fun mystery and certainly a page turner (especially toward the end).

I’d recommend this to anyone really, even those of my friends that aren’t “readers.” This is a great “vacation book,” in two ways. It’s great light reading to bring along on a vacation, but it’s also a good break from heavier reading (if that’s your norm). Enjoy!

View all my reviews

- Cain has been the most recent surge in popularity, but it’ll be interesting to see what the polls say in the wake of this debate. I think his popularity was because of the boldness of his tax plan (and, like Newt Gingrich, I applaud him for his boldness and for starting a good conversation). That being said, the likely results of his tax plan are starting to come out through various studies, and it looks like it would end up being a significant increase on the middle class (folks like me). I wonder if even Herman Cain realized the full effect his plan would have. After all, he is just a pizza company CEO.

That brings me to my main concern over Herman Cain, he probably knows how to run a good business, but he’s out of his depth when it comes to taxes, foreign affairs, defense, etc. For example, he had no clue what he was talking about when posed with the question of whether or not he would negotiate with terrorists for hostages. In an interview he said he could “see himself authorizing that kind of transaction.” In the debate he said his policy would be to never negotiate with terrorists, but that he would look at each case individually. That doesn’t even make sense.

All Herman Cain has talked about is the 999 plan. I’d love to hear about absolutely anything else at this point.

- Romney is easily the most consistent candidate.  There have been surges in popularity for others, but it hasn’t taken long for any of them to lose their momentum and fall behind Romney again. The most obvious examples have been Bachmann, Perry, and Romney.

I think Romney has done a good job at answering his critics. For example, when confronted with so-called “RomneyCare,” and the fact that it was, in some ways, the basis for Obama’s healthcare plan, Romney pointed out that they came up with a state solution to a state problem (one that the majority of people in the state still like) and that he would never have wanted that plan to be put into effect on a national level. He’s been consistent on his stance that the federal government is too deep into the healthcare system.

I like that he always answers questions directly and doesn’t really change the subject or answer vaguely (like some other candidates coughbachmanncough). I also like that that he has both private sector experience and political experience.

- I’m pretty confident that Michele Bachmann’s election strategy is to change the subject to things that everyone agrees on. She constantly talks about how we need to get rid of Obama and his healthcare plan. She’s talking to REPUBLICANS… they’re on board that ship already. Stop saying it. She really hasn’t said much about what she would actually do once in office, aside for repealing “ObamaCare.”

- Newt Gingrich is the calm voice of reason on the platform. When everyone else gets heated, he usually steps in and everyone seems to stop and really listen to him. I think all of the other candidates really respect him and his experience.

Newt doesn’t seem to be trying to beat anyone. He doesn’t attack anyone and he has no problem agreeing with the other candidates. He seems to be the least like a puppet or, in other words, the least coached. He answers questions frankly and honestly and I nearly always agree with what he says. He also seems to be the most capable of facilitating discussion, which might make him extremely successful when it comes time to deal with both the right and the left.

I don’t think Newt is likely to get the top spot, but I think I’d vote for him if he did.

- I’m not going to spend much time talking about Santorum, because he doesn’t have a realistic shot. That being said, I think he deserves more consideration than he’s getting. Santorum is by far the most stubborn candidate, but he seems generally intelligent; like Romney and Newt, he answers questions directly and his responses seem to be more than just saying what people want to hear in order to gain their votes. My main criticism is that he comes off a little on the angry side.

- I don’t think Ron Paul has much of a shot either. The media had their way with him early on by writing him off (TV media is terrible, by the way). Ron Paul has the most extreme views and plans about cutting government, and while I agree with a lot of the things he says, I don’t see him being able to get much of it done, even if congressional power does shift back to conservatives. I don’t think he’ll get enough support to just dump five cabinet posts. My thoughts about all his plans, though, are this: he just might be right.

My prediction – Romney holds his ground through the rises and falls of the others, wins the GOP nomination, chooses someone other than his fellow candidates as his running mate, and wins the general election in 2012

What I’d like to see happen – Given the current field, I’d like to see Romney win the GOP nomination, choose Newt Gingrich as his running mate, and win the general election in 2012.

One more thought – If Obama does in fact get reelected, Christie wins by a landslide in 2016. I think Christie is bound to be the president at some point, whatever else happens.

He

He is tall and strong

Pure integrity

Selfless nobility abounding

Clear, free voice resounding

Standing between the dark and the darkened

Enlightening

Hope for the hopefull

Me

I am in distress

Pure calamity

Weak and dirty

Selfish mobility; always running

Lying in front of death

Beaten

Always falling, never standing

She

She is beautiful

Perfect innocence

A soft song rising

Stunning eyes, blue and viewing

Me bleeding

But seeing Him

Fighting, freeing, living

Hmmm, since I don’t want to write separate posts for all of those, and because there are some things I read or watched in 2010 that did not necessarily arrive or premier in 2010, the following are simply my favorite things that I experienced last year.

One last note before we dive in: it would be far too stressful for me to rank these things according to importance or impact, so they are in no particular order.

TV Shows

I really love well-written, character-driven television shows. I’m also a sucker for those sitcom love stories that drag out through the course of the show’s run on TV, even though you know all along what’s going to happen (i.e., Ross and Rachel).

One show that seems to engender all of my favorite things (science-fiction, humor, the afore-mentioned type of love story, and just sheer awesomeness) is Fringe. The crazy X-files-like plot lines are awesome, but I was really captured by the humorous, and often touching, relationship between the reformed mad scientist, who spent over 15 years in a psychiatric hospital, and his son (portrayed by John Noble and Joshua Jackson, respectively). If you can get best the sheer unrealism of the show (though, a lot of it is based on theoretical scientific study), the dialogue and chemistry between the characters is a lot of fun.

The second TV drama that I have fallen in love with is Mad Men. Donald Draper (played by John Hamm) is an advertising executive on Madison Avenue in the 1960s, and is super-typical of men in that time and profession. In short, he has a wife and kids that he loves, but is helpless to stop himself from being a womanizer. And that is what keeps me watching. Part of me really wants to be as smooth and dashing as Don Draper, but, because I feel connected to the character, I get frustrated with him and want him to start being a good guy. The show is in its fourth season now, and I’m only in the third, so I don’t know as much of Don’s future as some others do, but I remain hopeful for him. By the way, please don’t spoil anything for me if you watch! Thanks.

There are two sitcoms I’ve started watching that I won’t go into detail on, but must certainly be mentioned. The first is Arrested Development. I know that I’m years behind on this, but all the hype about this show is true, and I can’t wait for the movie! The second is 30 Rock. I have just two things to say about this show: Tina Fey is a great writer and Alec Balwin’s one-liners are incredibly hilarious.

Movies

First, let’s start with the comedies. I didn’t see a lot of comedies this year so there was really only one that I feel is worth mentioning. I was very surprised by how funny The Other Guys was. Will Ferrell just seems to have an endless supply of ludicrous and hysterical characters. And, even though I think Mark Wahlberg is a jerk, he was pretty funny in this as well. I wasn’t impressed with Dinner for Schmucks at all, but would still like to see Due Date, Date Night, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, Cyrus, It’s Kind of a Funny Story and Morning Glory.

Oh yeah, Easy A, was one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. I absolutely hated the way it pretended to be deep by constantly referencing The Scarlet Letter. This movie was trash.

On to more serious things: the first movie that comes to mind is The Social Network. Jesse Eisenberg was just amazing as Mark Zuckerberg, and I thought Andrew Garfield was nearly as good as his betrayed friend Eduardo Saverin. I was quite taken with the quick, witty dialogue as well as the drama within the story.

Enough has been written about Inception, but I will say that I have enjoyed it more each time (3) I’ve watched it.

Possibly my favorite movie of the year came out right at the beginning: The Book of Eli. Denzel Washington is just amazing. The slow, deep, and powerful music helped to setup this incredible tone that fit so well with the post-apocalyptic story line. It’s hard for me to describe this one any further, so just go out and watch it.

I waited for the arrival of Toy Story 3 for years, along with everyone else, and was not disappointed. It perfectly captured the nostalgia that comes when you pack up your old toys to be given away or put in the attic. I’m perfectly willing to admit that my eyes welled up more than once while watching this movie.

The Ghost Writer, a political thriller staring Ewan McGregor and Pierce Brosnon, was another very pleasant surprise. Brosnon plays the former prime minister of England who is wrapped up in some mysterious affairs that the ghostwriter of his autobiography (McGregor) begins to untangle. This movie is worth it for the ending if not for anything else.

Tron reached out and brought me back to three days that stand out in my memory. The day my dad brought home a brand new Super Nintendo and the Christmases on which I received a Playstation and an Xbox. I had forgotten my childhood exhilaration upon receiving, and of course playing, these new video game systems. Tron brought it all back for two glorious hours.

I had one more pleasant surprise in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1. I have been generally underwhelmed with the Harry Potter series (though I love the books), but this was different in a very good way. I think the credit for this goes to the division of the story into two movies, which allowed the writers, director, etc. to spend more time on the characters, rather than jumping from one significant happening to the next in order to simply get through it all. I also thought the scene where Harry dances with Hermione in the tent was a brilliant addition that really captured the emotion of the situation.

Honorable mentions: Devil (M. Night Shyamalan) and The Next Three Days (Russel Crowe). These are great movies; I just don’t feel like writing about them.

Still on my list are Black Swan, Rabbit Hole, The Fighter, Red, and Narnia 3

A few other movies that didn’t come out this year, but that I saw and enjoyed are: Trainspotting (McGregor), The Men Who Stare at Goats (McGregor and Clooney) and High Society (Bing Crosby and Frank Sinatra). There are probably others, but that’s all I can think of right now. I’ll comment with more if I come up with them.

I also saw The King’s Speech, but it was in 2011, so I don’t know how to count it. Still, this movie was amazing and would most definitely be in contention for my favorite of the year.

Since this has stretched out to be so very long, I’m going to split it into two parts and leave books for part 2.

The problem I encountered with this pass-or-fail view of dating was a lot of undue stress. When I sensed that a relationship was on it’s last legs, I did everything I could think of to try to fix it. I took a personality test once that said that my approach to problems can be summed up in the following sentence: “If we could just talk it out, everything will be fine.” I don’t think wanting to solve problems is, in and of itself, a bad thing. I’d certainly rather err on the side of trying than give up as soon as things get rocky. However, when you look at a dating relationship through the lenses of success and failure, you (or at least I) become so emotionally tied to the goal of success that it become impossible to see the relationship (and the other person involved) for what it (or he or she) really is. In fact, I tended to stop seeing the other person involved almost entirely. It became all about not wanting to fail, the result being undue stress, as I mentioned above, on both parties involved.

Don’t get me wrong, dating relationships are bound to include stresses and pains, but the pass-fail view of them makes everything much worse.

I have a very different view of dating relationships now, and I was trying to think of how to explain it properly when the following analogy occurred to me: dating relationships are like books. Some of them are long, drawn out, and boring. Some are just terrible from start to finish, and you might wish you hadn’t read them. Others are sweet with sad endings. But, just because the ending is sad, doesn’t make the book a failure; it did exactly what it was supposed to do. When it’s over, it’s over. It’s an ending, and when the last pages have turned, you move on to another book. Sure, you might go back to it on sad days, re-reading it and reliving some of the original emotions you felt the first time, but it’s not the same because you already know the ending. So far, I’ve read a lot of books that are sweet with sad endings.

I don’t know what it feels like to find the person you know you’ll spend the rest of your life with. I haven’t done it yet. I’d like to think, though, that it’s like my very favorite books. The ones I can’t get enough of because I love and respect the characters and want to keep reading about them. The ones I read over and over again, not wanting the end to come, not because the end is sad, but because it would mean I’d have to stop reading.

If you let your feelings go, dear
It’s scary what you’ll find
I find I’m on your street, dear
And you’re always on my mind

And no one needs to know
That you let me in tonight
That you let me see the world behind your eyes
Behind your eyes

I want to see us work, dear
To reach the other side
My treachery is love, dear
We’re on both ends of the fight

We’re fighting for ourselves
We’re fighting for our lives
Would you let me see the world behind your eyes?
Behind your eyes
Behind your eyes

No one needs to know
How scared we are tonight
Would you let me see the world?
Would you let me see the world? (behind your eyes)
Would you let me see the world behind your eyes?
Behind your eyes
Behind your eyes

-Jon Foreman (Behind Your Eyes)

Noise is filling my head. Some of the noise is made up of voices, some by ideas. Other elements are less concrete, just distracted mental fidgets, daydreams and the like. New information, new noise, is constantly being poured in. One idea gets swallowed by another, and the different voices become entangled with one another. All the while, the daydreams and other mental fidgets create a distracting backdrop.

So, how is it that a person is supposed to divine his or her calling from this mess? I firmly believe there is one voice that’s more important than the rest, but that is being lost in the midst of my mental noise. I have trouble hearing my own will over the inputs of others, and even more trouble separating God’s will for my life from my own. And, here’s what makes this so complicated, input I receive from others is potentially valuable, so I can’t simply disregard it. And, there’s a good chance (nearly 100%) that I would really enjoy what it is that God wants me to do with my life, but not everything I enjoy doing falls within God’s will. And, even more confusing is that while there are definitely right and wrong choices, there is probably more than one of each.

You get all that? Are you stressed now? I am.

So what’s the answer? “Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you.” – Matthew 6:33

It really is that simple. The more that I align myself with His kingdom, the clearer His voice will become, rising above the others. It will require faith, because I can’t simply sit back and watch the show. If I do, I’ll be left behind. To be part of the story, I’ll have to step out into risk, seeing the fall, but trusting that I won’t. And, the beauty of it all is this: seeking God’s kingdom requires the best of me. It takes patience and selflessness. I don’t mean that I need to be perfect to seek, but that in the seeking the best of me will rise to the surface.

Even just moments ago, I was thinking “I really don’t have any new struggles, victories, or life-theories on my mind,” these being the usual topics that start my fingers flying around the keyboard. Turning my thoughts to the sports world for ideas (as I sometimes do) hasn’t brought anything to light either. Then, I thought that this experience somewhat mimics my current situation. I don’t mean to say that my life is dry and pointless, just that it feels like I’m in a holding pattern or an in-between.

The word pensive jumps to mind as means of describing how this makes me feel, but that has a negative connotation that doesn’t quite fit. It’s more of a mixture of thoughtfulness, watchfulness, and hopefulness. It has me looking forward to what will come next in my life, though I can’t say what that will or will not be. Some might say I’m discontent, but I don’t think that’s altogether accurate either. I’m really enjoying this station in life, the new friends I’ve made and the roles I find myself filling. I’m learning, growing and maybe even maturing.

It feels a lot like being on the edge of something, like the spot on the mountainside just before you reach that breathtaking view; you can just sense that something is coming, though you don’t know exactly what it will look like.

I’ve only heard about the view, about life, reading about it in books, seeing representations of it in movies, and maybe even hearing of it in a song. There’s so much to come, and not only do I anticipate cresting the ridge and soaking in the view, but I fully intend to walk up to the edge, hold my breath, and step off.

One thing I’ve learned for sure is not to be too picky. Don’t get me wrong; that’s not a slight on the opposite sex; it’s more about how girls (and people in general) are infinitely deeper and more complex that I had ever thought. I find some qualities attractive now that I had never even considered before.

Realizing my own lack of knowledge of the depth of personality and quality that people possess has lead me to a place where I think I’m more open than ever before, though still trying to balance openness with selectivity. The bottom line, I think, is to just not over think it. So, I’ll try to be content with letting God “wow” me with whomever he has set aside for me.

Still here are a few characteristics that cross my mind:

Brown, blue or green eyes doesn’t matter, just as long as they’re nice. I think eyes are cool.

I used to think I’d only date someone who had a good singing voice, but I don’t care about that now. I’m much more interested in a love for music, lyrics in particular. I want to talk about music and dig through song lyrics forever.

She’d be someone who would watch baseball and Star Trek reruns with me, someone I’d give up baseball for, and someone who wouldn’t make me give up Star Trek reruns.

I think she’d be someone I could sit and read with. I’m pretty extroverted and tend to talk a lot, but I really appreciate the people I can just be with.

Most importantly, she’d be someone I could follow Jesus with: someone who would really challenge me, someone I could grow along with. She’d be someone who would put me second.

And of course, she’d be beautiful.